I'm a young gay man that has recently found the guy of my dreams (Mr. X), but he has recently been dumped by another guy, and still lives with this same guy. Mr. X, and I have been talking for about 2 weeks now, and he broke up with his ex 3 weeks ago. We flirt a lot, and I feel such a strong connection with him, but I'm afraid it might only be because he is emotionally distraught about his 1 year relationship ending, and he is seeking comfort from me. Right now I told him "I just want to be friends," until he figures things out with his ex. Which he understands completely.
He is young like me, and doesn't have a place to stay, which is why he still lives with his ex, they sleep in the same bed, and even work at the same hotel on different shifts. That matter - concerns my monogamous morals. I'm worried they have lots of unfinished business.
Mr. X and I hold the title of "friends," but we have been calling each other soul mates, and we hold hands all the time while talking about being together in the future. I keep telling him I don't want to be put in a love triangle, but he reassures me that nothing will ever happen again with his ex. I haven't met his ex, and I honestly believe he is telling the truth, but I know how quickly breakups can happen, and how quickly previous relationships can magnetize back together.
To be honest I feel really afraid that one of them will change there mind, and I'll be the one with nobody to love. Knowing my personality I would let it happen. I only want Mr. X to be happy, and I know his ex loved him before I ever did. I have a feeling I should let things play out, and that it will all be worth it in the end.
I need some advice David. What should I do?
- Falling For Impossible
Dear Falling for Impossible
Wow, lets get right down to it... Boys That Still Live Their "EX's"
After reading your email, what's very obvious here is that you have a strong instinct for what is right and what is wrong. While it's true that wisdom in the world of dating is based solely on experience, many people lack the ability to have basic intuitions. You have that. So never think for a moment that your intuitions are wrong.
Now, while I have no doubt that you have deep bond with this new guy , you hit the nail right on the head, "He still has unfinished business to take care of."
It would behoove both of you to think that he is ready to have any sort of relationship while he still technically lives in the past. Let's do an inventory check:
Old boyfriend still in the picture. (check)
Still lives with Ex (Check)
Still sleeps in the same bed (this one was had my jaw on the floor! Check)
and last but not least, sounds like he has no real direction on how to proceed in his life (i.e. no place to stay)
When one ends a relationship, and especially if they are certain that it's over and they need to move on with their life, they must take all the necessary steps to close the chapter and begin writing a new one. That will never involve an ex, unless they have real intentions of getting back together.
Im sure he is a wonderful guy and probably sees many things in you that he is lacking in his supposed past relationship. But, again, he is in no position to be promising you anything or leading you on in any way.
If he does, he is a "Cake & Eat It Too" kinda guy and you should avoid him at all costs. He can't have you and the past. That's selfish and greedy.
Frankly, you deserve more than that. You deserve someone who will give you 100% of their time and attention.
My advice for moving forward:
Cool the jets on the "soulmate" talk, holding hands, cuddling, making sweet romantic dinners and get aways. He needs to be put into the friend zone until he gets his life together. Mostly, because he needs to learn how to be an independent person. He will never be right for any relationship until he figures out "him" first.
Continue to focus on you. Love you, tend to you and that will attract someone (if not him in time) that will love you 7 days a week and 12 months out of each year.
Best of Luck!
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