Last week, I don't know what was in the air, but I decided to do two things: 1. Stop being completely vegan and 2. Call my ex boyfriend to ask if we can be friends. That same night that I ordered a pizza and dialed his number. Maybe it was the Vodka, maybe it was me trying to live my life to the fullest and stop limiting myself- I'm still not quite sure. But I had temporary amnesia on how allergic I was to both of those things.
That night he and I spoke on the phone as I munched away at the pizza, we talked from 1 AM until 6: 30 in the morning before ending the conversation with "I love you".
I woke up feeling sick to my stomach (because of the pizza) and beyond confused (because of the ex). I have always been very honest about my life, so when my roommate came in to check in on me and found me hugging my stuffed Babar, she knew I had done something terribly wrong, so I told her everything.
I told her how nice it was to just talk to someone who had known me for so long and had so much history with. My roommate isn't like me- she is very understanding and non-judgmental so all she said was, "just be careful".
Over the weekend, he and I would check in with each other, talking like we did at the beginning of our relationship and guess what, it was incredible. I honestly love being in love, its the best feeling in the world. I was so happy. I had the goofiest smile on my face as I was talking to him about my new linens and going down memory lane- maybe I was naive but I am also a romantic- I figured two people who still loved each other were in this for better or for worse. We even spoke about the people we had been with since we had been together and jealousy didn't come to play- we both acknowledged nothing was like being with someone then when you are in love with them.
Monday came around and I decided to be as transparent as possible- since we had been together, my work had changed and so has my life in many ways. Hollywood is all about relationships and I have to admit I get rather shy- I told him I needed someone who encouraged me to put myself out there work-wise, who encouraged me to go to events, encouraged me to go to work mixers and make connections- someone who would be proud of me.
And then he dropped a bomb..
He then said to me that in order to be with him, I needed to stop posting on Instagram!
I love posting on Instagram, its my thing, sure it can be obnoxious, but all I was hearing was "this is what you can't do in order to be with me." It bothered me.
Needless to say, he didn't want me doing any of those things- I won't get into the specifics of what happened after that, but bottom line he thought that for me to prove my love to him, I would have to compromise my aspirations. I am in my 20s- I don't have children, I don't have a family to take care of- this is my time to be a little selfish and he didn't understand that. He condescendingly told me relationships were about compromise which is true- but I guess the difference between him and I was that I don't believe you should ever ask your person to compromise their aspirations to fit into your comfort zone. We got into a huge argument, both of us screaming at each other, which led to me blocking him in my phone.
With Valentines Day just around the corner, of course the idea of a relationship made me happy- but my discussion with my ex showed me I was more ready for a relationship than I thought I was, as I was more afraid of losing myself than losing him. Letting go of a sense of self and the things that makes you happy, isn't compromising- that is making yourself miserable for someone who can't see beyond their needs. Wanting to be with someone who encourage me, believes in me and most importantly, who respects what is important to me wasn't something that I would simply "like" in a person- it was what was required. It was a standard I couldn't let go of despite how much I loved him.
"We all deserve the kind of love that is unconditional, that is real, that is supportive and nothing less than what we expect for ourselves."
Sometimes the greatest love you can ever have, is the love and respect you have for yourself. Sure, I can learn to clean the dishes more, maybe not be as dramatic as I usually am and maybe learn to not be so klutzy- but let go of everything I have worked so hard for, is out of the question.
So if you're alone this Valentines Day know this- there are much lonelier situations, such as being with someone who wants to change you. You aren't alone- you have the freedom of being yourself- something many wish they could have. Trust me.... I was her.